"It should be easy to write catchy..."

Maybe the over analytical method of attempting to come up with melodies for some of my choruses isn't the wisest idea for someone who is over analytical by nature... if I allow myself to get into my head too much sometimes, it's dangerous- with relationships, in acting, and thus, with song writing.

Sure, ask me tomorrow and I'll probably be in a less exasperated and envious mood, but as of 11:35 pm and after hours of analyzing and trying to use ridiculous equations to find the ideal melody for the song I'm working on right now, I need to retire. Did I mention that I'm a perfectionist? It did get me somewhere, and I'm sure I'll use all of my notes as a springboard for what this song will eventually become, and then I will finally be completely satisfied with it and feel that I labored for it, so it must be good (why is this the American mentality? Why can't we all just be of the opinion that the best things should come easily? But no, life mantras revolve around praise over those who stress and waste their lives away working hard for the money... nothing comes easy... etc. Maybe it's healthier to live the Italian way that I've always admired...)

I've always been the "good student," and relish my recent self-assigned homework assignments to learn about the industry (hence the 800 page book half finished on my nightstand) and songwriting, but... that'll do pig.

For now.

Taking a friend's advice who I much admire, I'm going to try the "you're musical... your voice should know where it wants to go on the melody" route, and take it from there. Thanks for the advice Shruts :) I can't wait for Alex's help tomorrow regardless...

*(Why yes that is supposed to be an image of Jane Austen!)

Am I really going to post AGAIN about this word?

This weekend, I was out with some friends, when one came up to me in a panic, mid flirt. I let her pull me aside, and she related the news. Jenny Slate, a CU alum, had said the f word on SNL. This is the golden girl of all CU alums lately, especially buzz worthy among my college theater friends (yep, I finally admitted it. I was mildly a theater kid. Though never quite all there.), because she is a "V Show alumn"- ie an alumnus of the Varsity Show, the biggest budgeted show on campus (that can also boast Oscar, Hammerstein, Hart, Tom Kitt, and many more as alumns) in which we were all involved. Word was that the FCC was fining NBC and that in her very first skit on her premiere night on SNL, she had committed an act so inexcusable, that she was getting canned. Yikes.



If you watch the skit, you'll notice how the writers are almost more culpable for the misspeak, in that she had to use "freakin" and "friggin" in nearly ever other word. The slip up was almost inevitable, right? Poor girl. A similar unfortunate occurrence rocked the air waves in 1981, when new cast member Charles Rocket dropped the same bomb. He was fired from the show the next week and committed suicide in 2005. Yikessss. It was an accident!! I can understand NBC's concern for moral standards and such, of course, but it was so obviously an accident that you can't help but just feel badly for her and focus on the hilarious character in her first SNL bit. It is a word. A collection of four letters that has been deemed as "inappropriate content." Accidents happen.

Whatever happens, though the most recent word is that the FCC isn't fining (occurred post 10 pm) and NBC isn't firing, she has certainly achieved overnight fame. Literally. Shruts and I had a mid-bar freak out fest for nothing, and luckily so.

Oh, and as always, Kristen Wiig is brilliant.

Obsession Song of the Week: Week Three

It took me a while to get into this song. I usually can't judge a song until I hear it at least five times, which some people think is odd, but if I hear it that many times and then it moves into the honeymoon period, in which it's the only collection of sounds in the world that I want to hear for days, it's a winner.

I was first introduced to this song driving along the bay in Sausalito with my friend, we'll call her Doy. She had recently discovered the song and wanted me to match her enthusiasm for it. I could not. She played it for me maybe three times, which didn't reach my threshold, and I was too busy catching up with her to care. My roommate then brought it back to my attention about 8 months later, and suddenly I was blasting it on repeat and making her have dance parties to it with me. So good. SO good.

Advisory: I find the "explicit" content a bit jarring, however. From the sound of it, you would never think that there would need to be a disclaimer for it. Regina Spektor especially never struck me as that kinda gal, and the song really doesn't "need" the f word, if you ask me. Not that I'm anti swearing, or that word in particular. I am the biggest proponent of creative expression and creative license, defenses I constantly cited when fighting for the "permission" to swear in front of my mom in adolescence. "Ladies don't say 'Crap.'" I hate that word in particular, anyway. It's just such a statement in a song, that in this one it was surprising and seems out of place to me.

This song also doesn't fit my uptempo requirements and it's not a ballad, but it's catchy and fun and I love it. It has an up, fun quality to it, despite the snarky and somewhat "too real" subject matter. (Snarky? Yep, I said it.)

I am giddy...

over John Krasinski. Oh man. I went with a few friends to see his film, "Brief Interviews with Hideous Men" - at IFC. First of all, David Foster Wallace is brilliant. I have the book in my queue and have loved his writing for a while, but truly the words- ie the screenplay and how much it stayed true to the text, ie- Wallace's writing, sounded like poetry throughout the film. Incredible. And even though JK admitted that he is a novice at directing (and was easily pleased throughout the process and never cares to direct again, for he just wanted to get the story out in a different medium and spark conversation, which it does) he is adorable and hilarious and perfect- oops! I meant to type "in person!!" haha. No editing to that... too funny. He truly reminds me of so many of my friends, which makes it feel like he could easily be one of my friends. I'm sure lots of people feel this way with lots of people, but I have a crush. I am still digesting a lot of the points made in the movie and the overall message (what is has to say about gender relations, men, women, etc), so no review or criticism here, just general gushing and crushing musings on both men.

"The truth will set you free. But not until it is finished with you."
— David Foster Wallace

I heart Bryant Park

From the adorable lending library, to the ping pong tables, to the old men playing shuffle board, to the tents in fall and spring, to the ice skating rink in winter, to the summer movie and wine fests that I managed to attend on so many Mondays last summer and somehow no Mondays at all this summer, to the new Texmex place with porch swings and margaritas that I'm dying to try, to the fact that it's one of the many remarkable urban oases that I walk through for salvation throughout the work day, I love it I love it I love it.

Dancing babies and fainting goats

Why don't I video record Jax enough!? Or my goats?! Kidding... I don't have a Jax. :)

Scenes from Songwriting Sessions

Melodies Over Analyzed:

In songwriting exploits, I have, of course, made up melodies completely off the top of my head, but today I continued my learning process with an over analysis of top 40 type melodies. Not that I am dieing to be a top 40 artist and feel that this is the mark of a truly amazing song, but I wouldn’t complain, and I was curious. So I began my journey through K.C. Kasem’s hits by playing the chrouses of some of my own personal top 40 hits by ear. … I did so on my makeshift garage band piano, mega points for virtual piano on laptops while in transit. Much to my surprise, they are neither opuses or great Oscar winning compositions. Some of my all time favorite chorus melodies were literally composed of only 5 different notes. No wonder they’re so catchy, they’re easy. I can do this … !


Like really, I was figuring out the melodies by ear and found myself thinking is it f sharp? really? No.. not again… No way! OMG IT”S F SHARP

I also remember that when I was studying piano and voice when I was younger, I always said that my favorite note was the A above middle C. For whatever reason, it really appealed to me as a child. I would just hold it down and listen to how it changed as I held down the piano key and then let it fade. Boy was I cool. Maybe I should predominantly use this A in my songs. They will be so simple that it just might work…

The first song I ever wrote: Age….10? Let’s pretend that it was much younger…

“I Hate Waiting” (in the key of C Major)

I hate waiting (EECC)
I hate waiting (EECC)
It’s so boring (GFED)
I’ll be snoring (CDEF)
I hate waiting (GGEE)
I hate waiting (GGEE)
Monday Tuesday Wesnesday Thursday (CDEFGFED)
Three chords (That apparently involved an E, then a D, then again, shocker, an E)

This is, obviously, copyrighted, so stay away fools. Winner right there. So simple. So perfect. This is so going to be remixed and added to the EP/Album. What up

Sometimes it drives me crazy how songs and restricting the number of syllables in a line makes me use improper grammar. Again, I admit that I am Not the grammar queen , but I wanted to use “in which” instead of “that” and it pained me that we couldn’t. Hurt me so…

Bahahahaha

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2009/09/21/the-funniest-protest-sign_n_292342.html

My Own Random Thoughts of the Day:

If I see an ankle bracelet on a European tourist, does this mean that they are making a comeback and about to take the US by storm? I am scared.

Riding the express train makes me feel like I am actually time traveling. Because I AM. It puts me ahead of where I would have been if I had gotten on the local instead and places me where I would exist in time had I been running 5 minutes earlier. I am literally riding my life in fast forward and making up for lost time. It is amazing to think about and drives me almost as insane as that awful Gwyneth Paltrow movie "Sliding Doors." At least I am optimistic that my outcome will not be the exact same awful endings as hers.

Taking care of infants is painful and can make one go prematurely gray. This may seem obvious to some, but when my (now 11 mth old!) brother gets hurt under my watch, even if it is the result of my catching him in my arms in order to avoid him suffering a potentially worse fall, I feel like the most despicable human being alive and hate myself. For days.

Dogs are the sweetest, most faithful and loving beings on this planet. Especially mine. You can never be mad at them for waking you up at 4 am with kisses. Even when it happens again at 6 am. They love you so much that they fly down hallways to be near you, just to sleep at the foot of your bed and watch over you. That, my friends, is love.

I refuse to play games. And it's working :)

Brunch Faves

Making up for a busy weekend and a lack of posting updates!! At least it's a good thing to spend time living and not just writing about it :)

Brunch seems to be a practice that is celebrated and habituated more in Manhattan than anywhere else in the world (world? country? Meh... I'll hyperbolize for effect.) Perhaps it's the higher population of movers and shakers and, therefore, singles who have perfected the "classy" Saturday night hookup followed by the obligatory Sunday brunch, or perhaps it's that the higher number of singles tend to flock to brunch in Sex and the City-like foursomes in order to divulge the weekend's sexcapades over egg whites and mimosas. Regardless of the reason or rhyme, it is a beloved Manhattan pastime.

From stroller-ridden Sarabeth's and Isabella's when I was a kid to the midday salvation of anywhere serving the perfect hangover cure at 2 pm when I was in college, here is my most recent favorite from this past weekend: (And I won't divulge any secrets of who I was with!)

Hundred Acres. On Macdougal between Houston and Prince, featuring a sunny, near outdoors delight. The menu boasts so many unique twists on old favorites that I pray for the day when I'll be willing to try the grapefruit with black pepper and brown sugar or the looks-s0- amazing-from-the-table-next-to-me- that-I-want-to-reach-right-over-and-grab-them beignets. I have tried to recreate their scrambled eggs with gruyere and corn bread, but just can't do it justice, so keep coming back for more. If anyone knows how the right way to melt gruyere, let me know...

Ode To Dos Caminos

There comes that time every year, where my friends ask me that inevitable question- Should we book Dos Caminos for your birthday yet again? It has become a mocking joke to some and an endearing idiosyncrasy to others, but around the last week in June, the reservation must be made. It never gets old, it never disappoints, and even if I dined there just the day before, I will accept your invite there today. This propensity has paid off, as I recently tried to book a 9 pm reservation and was told that this was impossible, only to give my name for the gross 7 pm slot to which the hostess "found" an opening at 9. Oh hey to the first time my name has helped me score a table.

As summer winds down, I also find it necessary to spend as much time as possible in their outdoor patio, frozen prickly pear margarita in hand. Thus, this past Friday, when faced with the question of where to reunite with my best friends from SF, everyone knows what venue I chose. The margaritas are always just strong enough to prevent awkward pauses, the guac is the perfect size for sharing (though may lead to embarrassing moments scraping the stone mortar for the last, it's so perfect that I need to have more, bite... me? no...), and the atmosphere somehow always leads to flirting with cute men (so often British. Weird.) Our desire to live up one of the last nights of summer left us shivering into our margs, pretending that we were comfortable just to snag some more enjoyment out of the whole affair. I can clearly never get enough, and neither could they. :)

Other favorites: I tried the sour cherry margarita for the first time ever. Just right. Perfectly cut any tequila taste and no gross sweetness. The blueberry pomegranate margarita (old favorite, now often displaced by the prickly pear... apparently I'm not too particular on the margaritas, am I?), and the shrimp quesadilla.

One of the boys... uh ohhh

Maybe I'm more Katy Perry than I realized...

My roommate recently gave me her CD (thanks Liv!!). I had already known how jealous I was that she had already written the song "UR so Gay," because one of my brilliant "never been done and so needs to" hooks somewhat relates to this.

Maybe it's not similar enough, but still, now it feels tainted.

Then I discovered the title song on the album... "One Of The Boys." Maybe I had a little source amnesia (oh hey psych major), but I definitely thought recently that it would be very cool and very me to write a song about how I can be such a girl but also pride myself on liking "boy things." How I love pool and pride myself on being surprisingly skilled at it, how I really love the combination of beer and sports -football (Bills. Woot), the Knicks (Nate Robinson and "the Rooster"), and baseball... I've loved the Yankees since my first game at age 7. Also in the Hamptons this summer I went fishing instead of shopping one morning (and baited my own hook(!), because I preferred that to waiting for someone to do it for me and losing!) and! caught more fish than both my dad and grandfather. My mom jokingly called me Carl as we left at 6 am. Pride points. I am simultaneously a ridiculous girlie girl, (the list is too long to itemize) more so than most girls, so maybe it's a different, not to be scrapped song concept...

I mean, her song is more focused on how she's rebelling from being one of the boys and used to do boyish things, as if it's mutually exclusive, in order to get guys to stop thinking of her just as "one of the boys." I totally had a quote related to this in my facebook profile before her song was released anyway. No qualms. :)

Still, it surprises me that she and I think alike. Also in that sometimes my lyrics end up racier than I ideally would want my image to be... Alex was a little surprised one time at the lyrics that I had in me, ha! Maybe it's just easier to be tongue in cheek? Or just easier for me... ? Interesting.

Scenes from Songwriting Sessions

"We need an actual song before we can parody it"-Alex in response to my lyric to rhyme with "I hoped that we would meet again face to face" ..... "I pulled out my can of mace"?!

Somewhat appropriate for the subject matter of running into an ex... right? No? Okay...

"No, really, the weirdest things happen to you, way too often..." - Alex

But really, his best quote involved praise at how I've grown in the past few months as a songwriter. Apparently I've been listening to him, because I had made sure that the lyrics were conversational, and stopped trying to use not so colloquial (but apparently colloquial to me...) phrases such a "parting glance" and "stank regret" or trying to rhyme with words such as vapid, sadistic, and peruse (to rhyme with abuse?! come on!). I'm learning... :)

**Pictured: Name those Columbia alums!!

Tonight, Tonight

I am trying to write lyrics to this feeling and this experience but...? For some reason, it is so cliché, so (hopefully!) universal, so often written about, yet it is such a cruel tease that there is no way for me to accurately describe it. No way that I can conceive to put it into words and find a song to express it. Why are hurtful things so much easier to express? Really, even clichés and in the moment "he makes me feel alive, yet shaken, yet..." phrases never do this justice. I feel... like I can't breathe quite enough, yet I'm panting for air. Exhilarated, yet like I just got the wind knocked out of me. Like Gidget (great old movie) when she says that she feels like she just got hit on the head with a sledge hammer... but in a good way. I'm... smitten. I'm... giddy. I'm like a school girl jumping up and down with excitement... I'm.... tipsy on this exuberance. I'm oddly whimsical already.

It's that feeling when you want to recapture every moment, when you can't stop smiling and feel punch-drunk on the elation, when... it's such a cruel joke that I can't find the words or the song to describe this, right? I walked up my stairs and to my room literally holding the wall for support NOT because of too many glasses of wine, just because... this feels incredible. And I know that I overuse that word constantly. This blog has made me realize it. But apparently I love that word. And this feeling. And lots of things that make you so glad to be alive and I strive to find that feeling every day. hopefully every moment. I feel it in my stomach. How's that for visceral description. Ugh still not good enough. Some day that song will get written. I promise myself. Until then, I'm just live drunk on the feeling.

Obsession Song of The Week: Week Two

In the songwriting process, I tend to care about two things when it comes to what makes a great uptempo: 1. Will it make me want to dance? and 2. Will it make me want to run faster?

Usually I find that my favorite uptempo songs of all time are those that motivate me while running and the ones to which I can have the best dance parties with my friends (or... let's admit it, alone in my room). Although I'm a lyricist in the songwriting process and know where I need and want my lyrics to come from- me - and what my songs need to express- my thoughts, experiences, and who I am as an artist, I rarely listen to the lyrics of songs. I know that this sounds completely insane and counterintuitive, for I'm a singer and constantly singing along to songs, and music is incredibly important to me and constantly running through my head. I sometimes won't be the best at holding a conversation because "Radio Caley" is plaing in my head... and I love it. Yet somehow, it takes me quite a long time to analyze the entirety of a song's lyrics, because I'm more focused on the melodies, beats, and instrumentation.

So, "I Know You Want Me (Calle Ocho)" by Pitbull absolutely fits my uptempo requirements. I love it to dance and run to and can immerse myself in it over and over again. I actually surprised myself by falling in love with a lot of their songs, upon first discovering "Go Girl" (feat. Trina & Young Boss) in a hip hop dance class in Mill Valley (Roco!), and my newer dance party craze "Krazy." I don't know why it surprises me. It's always nice to get excited by a new group and I love knowing that great music comes from anywhere, anyone, and any genre.

When I first gave Alex my four CD set of my favorite songs of life, it seemed almost odd that they were so varied across genres and artists. Aside from my three female inspirations (Whitney, Toni, and Anita) growing up with my mom's music, I tend to have a varied love for individual songs without focusing on particular artists or groups. Alex's consolation to what felt like a singer's peculiarity: "You just love good music." :)

Views from the streets of NY

Views of the Hudson Sunsets




Red-Tailed Hawk in Morningside Park









Motorcade for Obama... didn't see Obama, but saw the car that he was in!! Two minute later, I decided to turn right and a friend kept walking down 6th avenue... and saw Bill Clinton. Just walking down the street. I am SO jealous. It's all in those split second decisions you make...

Playing that game again...

Looking around the VMA crowd last night (follow CaleyRose on Twitter in order to see my play by plays), inevitably led me to play the "Who Am I a Cross Between in the Music Industry" Game yet again... I've gotten that I could be a cross between Kelly Clarkson and Mandy Moore (interesting...), Katy Perry and Adele (interesting... ) Alicia Keys plus Sara Bareilles? Maybe... I guess that I'll let the industry decide. I heard that they were looking for an Adele/ Taylor Swift, because they are both so successful, why not combine them? I can't fit this bill. Also, definitely not a Britney. Even in her heyday. Weigh in if you know me, and everyone will eventually be able to weigh in someday soon :) Definitely NOT a Gaga.

Oh LGags... those fashion choices were... bold? The eskimo, the literal pokerface, the gore... I know that I would want to be able to see the VMA's if it were me... I can't wait to hear what my voice teacher says about her that night...

Also, I hadn't seen this promo until last night. SO great and really captures the VMA's bringing people together, as did the hilarious Tracy Morgan/Cyndi Lauper moment. What other show would bring these two together?!

Experiments in Anonymous Kindness

Pre- Whole Foods on Friday: I emerge from the subway to meet my friend, and am approached by a couple, about my age. After living in NY for 5 years, I tend to exhibit the typical cold NYers "you're crazy, get away from me" response to anyone approaching me, but these guys seem nice. Call me gullible, but I follow my instincts and know that my big beefy guy friend is a mere five feet away, easy jumping distance. (Don't worry mom :) ) They tell me that they just bought a box of ice cream bars from Whole Foods, and have one left over that is melting, and would I like it. I say sure, I'll give it to my big beefy guy friend anyway. As I shockingly accept and thank them, wondering if it's possible to roofie a fudgesicle, the girl hands me this business card:


HOW great is this? I was having a "could be bad, but I won't let it be bad" night, and then these generous and sweet pople grace me with this random act of kindness. And people say that NYers are so cold and cruel. Truly, truly, amazing. I spread the spirit and want to continue to spread it! I encourage others to do so :)

This reminds me of one of my very first "wow isn't NY incredible" moments upon first moving to the city. I had just begun my first year at Columbia, and was walking down Broadway through Morningside with a friend. We happened upon these two (normal looking) people seated on the sidewalk with a sign that read "Come Talk to Me." We had to know what their purpose was, so of course, curiosity drove us to inquire. They were just sitting there, with the sign, wondering what the people of NY would have to say. They would offer advice if necessary, have pleasant, casual, or in depth conversations, whatever. I just thought that this practice and that these people were incredible. Can you imagine some guy walking down the street who had just experienced the worst day, contemplating ending it all, and then seeing this sign rise out of the bleak city, as if a sign of the goodness in humanity and that someone cared? Incredible. Truly incredible.

On a 60 block stroll through various parts of Manhattan on any given day you can see (and I saw today):

A red-tailed hawk in Morningside Park (apparently rare in our urban oasis), a juvenile getting arrested on the Upper West Side, a sample sale, a candidate for District Attorney speaking in Washington Square Park, Mischa Barton (I've seen her three times... twice on our street...odd), and... an ex boyfriend. Sporting a neon orange shirt (why?).

Oh, small island of Manhattan, I love you so.

Dancin' in September

"Well behaved women rarely make history" - Laurel Thatcher Ulrich

A best friend gave me a belated birthday card adorned with flappers and this quote. Love it. Very me. Not that I'm not well behaved.... but the free spirited and progressive Twenties gals are always inspiring.

Friday night, I decided to embrace my Twenties (era, not age) idolation and wear my black sequined tank dress. I dressed it down as much as possible with a blazer, leggings, and fringed sandals. I didn't know exactly where plans would lead me, probably a dive bar where I would look entirely out of place. I just felt like wearing it and wanted to brighten a "this guy cancelled on me" mood. Ended up in the Columbus Circle Whole Foods with a friend, just killing time and browsing. Whatever. Delightful. A Flapper would do this, chug from a flask, and have no qualms about the obnoxious under age punk in the following dive bar spouting the words, "You go to NYU, don't you." I chose to have the Flapper-esque unphased air, sipped my hipster PBR, and joined in on an 80's dance party.

Tweeting about the VMA's all night...

Follow: CaleyRose

CC's New Dean a Wizard?!

Does anyone else realize how incredibly Harry Potterish it is of Columbia's new dean of the College to have "Moody" as a hyphenated part of her last name? Professor Moody anyone? As if Quigley's accent, our Yule Log Ceremony tradition, and the underground tunnel didn't tip us all off enough! We're on to you Columbs... And we miss you so :) It's just too bad that HG didn't agree... Brown? Really?

Granted, it'll take a lot to replace Quigs, but Dean Moody seems great! All I want to know is... who will read us "T'was The Night Before Christmas??!!"

Hilarious Throwback

If you loved "Charlie bit me"... you'll LOVE...



The classic original gold:



I want to start making videos of Jax. Too bad my little bro doesn't have the English accent... What if I only spoke to Jax in a British accent and hoped that it would sink in?

NY can be brutal in the rain

Amidst navigating past one too many golf umbrellas, fellow pedestrians who know no tilt and lift etiquette, and bewildered tourists clad in plastic ponchos, I hopped on the M23 today only to be chastised for yawning. Four times. Said the grumpster as he held up four pudgy fingers. I so wanted to "accidentally" release the wet water from my umbrella onto his foot. Apparently inhaling and exhaling behind the cover of my hand was just too much for this darling gentleman. Yay mass transit moments. I will not be confessing my undying love for him in missed connections today. Luckily, the red indicator light on my phone started to blink and switched my focus to this delightful email. I don't know who penned it or where it originated, but I could hug this guy... And Tam for forwarding it to me :)

Random Thoughts of the Day:

I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

Do you remember when you were a kid, playing Nintendo and it wouldn't work? You take the cartridge out, blow in it and that would magically fix the problem. Every kid in America did that, but how did we all know how to fix the problem? There was no internet or message boards
or FAQ's. We just figured it out. Today's kids are soft.

There is a great need for sarcasm font.

I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.

Whenever someone says "I'm not book smart, but I'm street smart", all I hear is "I'm not real smart, but I'm imaginary smart".

While driving yesterday I saw a banana peel in the road and instinctively swerved to avoid it

... thanks Mario Kart.

That's enough, Nickelback.

Have you ever been walking down the street and realized that you're going in the complete opposite direction of where you are supposed to be going? But instead of just turning a 180 and walking back in the direction from which you came, you have to first do something like check your watch or phone or make a grand arm gesture and mutter to yourself to ensure that no one in the surrounding area thinks you're crazy by randomly switching directions on the sidewalk.

Sometimes, I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what was going on when I first saw it.

I think everyone has a movie that they love so much, it actually becomes stressful to watch it with other people. I'll end up wasting 90 minutes shiftily glancing around to confirm that everyone's laughing at the right parts, then making sure I laugh just a little bit harder (and a millisecond earlier) to prove that I'm still the only one who really, really gets it.

I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.

Was learning cursive really necessary?

Lol has gone from meaning, "laugh out loud" to "I have nothing else to say".

I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

Answering the same letter three times or more in a row on a Scantron test is absolutely petrifying.

How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear what they said?

Every time I have to spell a word over the phone using 'as in' examples, I will undoubtedly draw a blank and sound like a complete idiot. Today I had to spell my boss's last name to an attorney and said "Yes that's G as in...(10 second lapse)..ummm...Goonies"

MapQuest really needs to start their directions on #5. Pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.

I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.

Bad decisions make good stories

Whenever I'm Facebook stalking someone and I find out that their profile is public I feel like a kid on Christmas morning who just got the Red Ryder BB gun that I always wanted. 546 pictures? Don't mind if I do!

If Carmen San Diego and Waldo ever got together, their offspring would probably just be completely invisible.

Why is it that during an ice-breaker, when the whole room has to go around and say their name and where they are from, I get so incredibly nervous? Like I know my name, I know where I'm from, this shouldn't be a problem....

Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after DVDs? I don't want to have to restart my collection.

There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.

I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.

"Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this ever.

I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring, but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail. What'd you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?

I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.

When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.

I like all of the music in my iTunes, except when it's on shuffle, then I like about one in every fifteen songs in my iTunes.

Why is a school zone 20 mph? That seems like the optimal cruising speed for pedophiles...

As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.

Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.

It should probably be called Unplanned Parenthood.

I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

Even if I knew your social security number, I wouldn't know what do to with it.

I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lites than Kay.

The other night I ordered takeout, and when I looked in the bag, I saw they had included four sets of plastic silverware. In other words, someone at the restaurant packed my order, took a second to think about it, and then estimated that there must be at least four people eating to require such a large amount of food. Too bad I was eating by myself. There's nothing like being made to feel like a fatty before dinner.

More often than not, when someone is telling me a story all I can think about is that I can't wait for them to finish so that I can tell my own story that's not only better, but also more directly involves me.

Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

I hate being the one with the remote in a room full of people watching TV. There's so much pressure. 'I love this show, but will they judge me if I keep it on? I bet everyone is wishing we weren't watching this. It's only a matter of time before they all get up and leave the room. Will we still be friends after this?'

How are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

The letters T and G are very close to each other on a keyboard. This recently became all too apparent to me and consequently I will never be ending a work email with the phrase "Regards" again.

A wee bit disappointed in myself...

I did not take full advantage of "Fashion's Night Out" tonight. I am disappointed in myself as a fashionista, as a NYer, and as an American. I feel like it's the night/early morning when I realize that Halloween is over, and I am forced to take off my costume and go to sleep, knowing that I will inevitably wake up only to buy a Milky Way from Duane Reade the next morning, because, somehow, I didn't snag a single one.

I want to do it over!! I want to do it right!! I so hope that they have another one!

I did my part in stimulating the economy (yay), but bought my eighth AND NINTH American Apparel men's deep V shirts (...yay?). I needed them. I did. I somehow still crave one of the Fashion's Night Out t's though... couldn't find the suckers. (If any store has extra stock and loves me just enough...!) Apparently there was champagne a flowin' in various locations throughout Manhattan...none of which we happened upon. I knew that we should've hit Bloomies. You can never go wrong with Bloomies. Tonight was, of course, delightful all the same, and a great girls' night, but our impromptu hitting of the event made me crave the swank.

You can find me at Duane Reade tomorrow... buying a Milky Way... and champagne.


*I hate that word, I rescind. It just seems so... uncool? I'm pretty sure that I have never once heard someone actually in the fashion world use it. (I used to work for Adam + Eve, then for an incredible stylist, Laura Ferrara. Good, good times. The Bryant Park tents beckoned to me today from their lofty states, taunting me into nostalgia for that 6th Row seat at DVF. 6th Row = amazing experience, but still with some room for improvement. To be actualized some day soon... Mmmmm the goody bags..)

Moments you know it's worth it and VMA envy

Voice lessons often feel freakishly expensive, but I definitely felt like I got my money's worth today when my vocal coach relayed the call he had just received from Lady Gaga in Paris, requesting his presence backstage at the VMAs on Sunday.

Um... I'm sorry, what? This guy has worked with Whitney, Christina, Bono, and other admirables, so no matter what one may feel about Gaga's voice, and Whitney's current state (GMA performance was painful to watch. Fallen from greatness, my former idol, ugh it hurts), it just reinforces that I am working with the right people. That, and the fact that I belted higher today than ever before :)

I need to add audios and videos and I definitely will! No original material yet, because we're still writing and solidifying which songs to select, but perhaps some covers in the near future... ?!

I wonder what Don will wear!!! I'm so jealous!! I know what I would wear!! (Hervé Leger bandage dress. Done and done.) Someday... someday!!...

Whitney Houston's 'Million Dollar...

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Worse audio, but able to embed this one:

Okay... two obsession songs this week!

Just because it made me so ecstatic upon hearing this featured in the pilot episode of the new "Melrose Place"! This incredible event merits two obsession songs to be posted in one week. This might happen a lot :)

Charlotte Sometimes- How I Could Just Kill a Man

This artist has been incredibly influential to me, firstly, because my producer/manager/songwriting partner, Alex Houton (incredible, amazing, gosh, I'm so happy we found each other!!!) helped discover and develop her, secondly, because we have been in contact and she has been the sweetest in answering my endless questions and offering me sound advice, and thirdly because her music is innovative and inspiring!!

When I heard the song while checking out the new "Melrose Place," (took me a while to get into it, but I'm a sucker for the original and was hooked by the end, so will continue to tivo), I was so excited for her!! Not just blowing up on VH1, but also everywhere else in the media! Get it girl!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wtZqVE_OyzU

Obsession Song: Week One

I've decided that my weekly obsession song should be a regular part of this blog. I tend to go through song infatuation phases, that typically last a week until replaced by something as worthy and incredible. It's like the honeymoon period of a great first love. I just can't listen to it and immerse myself in it enough and tend to play it on perpetual repeat, much to the exasperation of the redhead! Love you Liv :)

This is Adele's cover of Make you Feel My Love (original- Bob Dylan), does the song incredible justice, if you ask me. I also love her "Cold Shoulder" and of course "Chasing Pavements," as well. Girl's got a voice.

When I first started working with Alex (story to follow, promise), he asked me to think about what artist in the music industry I'm similar to, if any. I came up with... none. I am, however, actually thankful for this. If "I" were already out there, I would have no career ahead of me. I don't look at Lady Gaga and think, "well, I'm already out there, there goes that!" Shocker, I know. Not even with Sara Bareilles or Kelly Clarkson. My main musical influences growing up were, and still are, Whitney Houston, Toni Braxton, and Anita Baker. Slightly problematic? (I'm way white, but have been told that I sound more R&B...) Thanks mom and early 90's childhood :) So it's been difficult to yet compare myself to another artist out there, though it's fun to play the "I'm a cross between..." game. I'm a cross between... Adele and Mandy Moore? Still in the "Artist Development" stages and thoroughly enjoying it :)

Lipstick Jungle

Is it odd that I find the "Missed Connections" section on Craigslist deliciously urban-romantic? I love that there are individuals who go about their daily routine, encounter someone who leaves a lasting impression on them, and feel impelled to try to learn more about that enticing stranger. Call me naive, but it gives me hope in humanity. And I can relate. In a metropolis that can be painfully isolating, I sometimes adore random connections in instances of forced proximity. Public transit has spurred numerous unexpected encounters with strangers for me, some of which have been humorous, others affrontive and repulsive, and still others oddly heartwarming. Then there are the times when I would love to incite one myself, like when I see a totally-my-type guy walking down a bustling avenue about to pass right by me. I find myself wanting to force interaction, and the only brilliant idea that comes to mind is my tripping directly into his path. I have never (yet) done this. I find the "dropped my lip gloss on the floor of the bar right near your feet" move far more acceptable.

http://newyork.craigslist.org/mnh/mis/

I didn't think that I would post about this...

Sometimes... you just have to laugh at it all.

I was never sure how much personal information I would blog about -namely, relationships- but past ones and odd occurrences currently feel acceptable and too relevant to ignore. After all, most female and personal over analysis inevitably revolves around relations with the opposite sex anyway. (Feminists: please don't attack this, it's a personal opinion. I'm fine with any disagreement and will probably see a lot of good points on your side.)

So, last night, after a month of feeling completely freed from all hopelessly hopeful thoughts of an ex-"saga," who I had held a candle to for, admittedly, too long, he contacted me. I had finally decided last month that I either needed to hope for a life with him, everything miraculously uncomplicated and peachy keen, or a life with someone better. Guess which one I picked. See, I can be smart when I want to be. Not that I should only pick one of those two lives and could not have the alternate option of being that independent uber-feminista, but guess what, I love life and all that comes with it, men included.

So, after giving him that last shot, I felt released. I finally realized that he didn't deserve half of what I was building him up to be, and that the "comforting" thought that he would eventually come to his senses (Tick Tick Boom, for all of you musical lovers- total trigger for this audition song) was actually a huge hindrance. Just when I'm starting to let myself feel all Eat, Pray, Love, and starting to get excited about someone new, bam.

I felt like I got hit by a truck for a second. I was luckily with two amazing friends, thanks to Tam and Liv for being on the same shocked couch with me at that moment. And then it passed. I gave myself the option to revert back to the old, give him a chance, think the best in everyone, maybe we are meant to be!-me, and then realized that I actually didn't want to anymore. It could have been fun, it could have led to another night of me hoping, "well, if he sees how great I am, maybe this time he'll realize that he wants to actually man up and go for it for real this time".... and.... nope. Been down this road, traveled long and grew weary and... stepping into the uncharted foliage of the forest. Contentedly so.

It should always just feel comforting to know that that person "cares" enough to "reach out," still thinks of you, etc... and it was mid-afternoon, so no ulterior motives at play (I choose to believe), but events like this somehow always end up testing your strength and feel like it's your big chance to get him back (we are all human after all... right?), and they shouldn't. After the awful truck feeling faded, I chose to feel stronger than ever, and, I am proud to say, did.

Then, today rolled around. Normal, normal, my little brother is the cutest and trying to take his first steps, normal, BAM- another text from another ex. Is there something in the air this weekend? Does Labor Day Weekend bring out some desire to reconnect with me? Well, guess what, boys, I am not a unionized laborer, so please do not falsely honor me as such.

Now this guy: sparks all over, see each other nearly every day-type relationship for months, and suddenly he's gone. No explanation, no human decency in that way, just over. I could say a lot about this, and clearly he recognizes that I deserve an apology and to gain insight on the situation, and I would still love it someday. But, really, at this point, with these two back to back, WHAT is with this weekend. You just have to laugh.

I do feel as if this is some kind of odd test, like are you really feeling better and have you really forgotten us to start dating someone new- type test, so I just need to prevail. If they're opening doors or trying to finally apologize or explain, they can try harder than just a seemingly casual just thought of you, how are you text. I'm pretty sure they both have my email address(es), and I would always appreciate answers to long pondered questions.

Weirdest. Truly. I guess in the end, after all of my attempts at over analysis, all I can do is laugh it off and try to move forward. These experiences will, and already have, made for great songwriting material.

Until next time,
Over Analytical Me

Some more incredible things to love about NY as summer winds down and we try to savor it this weekend:

1. The Frying Pan. At 26th and the West Side Highway, there is a boat. Near that boat, there is a barge. This might be the prettiest place to get a great burger, crabcake, or these seasoned garlic fries, and one of the best Manhattan spots for daytime drinking. I haven't found a good excuse to indulge in this practice since Homecoming!... and every Sunday at brunch. But at least here, Columbia's football team isn't driving everyone to drink. Incredible sangria, buckets of Buds, and a great atmosphere surrounded by the Hudson River and views of the city skyline. And! They have a foosball table. WHAT is not to love. There is a rumor that someone we know found a little boat off of the main boat and just began to voyage downstream... awesome. Simply, awesome.

Great date place too, and I might just take advantage of that idea sometime this week... sunset would be magical... disclaimer: just don't get the garlic fries on the date. Save that for day-drinking with the posse



2. B Bar- For every meal, every summer, whenever deciding which nearby restaurant to choose, I always end up wanting to eat outside. Whether it just began to get warm, or it feels dangerously about to draw to a close, this is always the case. I'm never steadfast or dogged or anything, but the desire always taunts at the back of my mind. One of the best choices: B Bar. Whether for the pre-brunch banana bread (complimentary and crave inducing), the twinkling multicolor lights in the garden at night, the mojitos, or the fact that I have somehow have never had to wait for a table (still amazes me... this good and in this city for Sunday brunch or Saturday dinner? Really!?), always a great warm weather choice.

3. The Redhead- 13th between 1st/2nd. We discovered this last night, and it will be even better in the winter, because it's so cozy with it's dark wood, plush, high booths, and comfort food, but the constant NY summer's- let's just roam the streets and pick an enticing spot-tendency merits this post's third inclusion. We checked out the menu and after reading the third item, ended our search. It's the kind of place that puts a twist on the familiar and makes concoctions out of your favorite comfort foods, something of which I am quite fond. Pretzel rolls with beer cheese dipping sauce, chips and homemade buttery dip, the peanut brittle with bacon that I still have yet to try. (?! Sure, sounds weird, but with things like that, if they're confident enough to sell it, it must be good, right?! The rest of my sharing company did not echo my eager sentiments, so the prospect spurs my desire to return... tonight!)

Added bonus: if you love a redhead, like I love my roommate, and your redhead has any redhead pride, she will be over the moon that this place exists. Liv is already making birthday plans here... for next May. Unfortunately, they don't give discounts for redheads. Even sassy ones (you're welcome Liv).

And just when you thought the night and your new favorite restaurant couldn't get any better... they give you cookies. Big, just what you wanted, mel in your mouth, complimentary, chocolately, sweet AND savory cookies. I hope that this wasn't just a one time, our waiter found us irresistibly charming, thing. I will find out when I go back... tonight.

*Maybe this is becoming more an I <3 NY Blog than indulging my over analysis about life... we'll see where we end up...

Until then,
Rock on NY summer,
Over Analytical Me

I Left My Heart in Mill Valley

http://travel.nytimes.com/2008/02/03/travel/03Explorer.html?ref=travel

Views of Marin.... see what I mean? Ugh I miss it too much. I need to schedule a trip immediately. Maybe I shouldn't advertise the breathtaking beauty of it... I feel like it's the best kept secret of the United States... the beauty of the South of France, Capri, and Australia, but somehow situated in the U.S. Maybe it's just my obsession with that type of topography... but
I think that it is even more beautiful that any of what I consider the traditional American-within-America vacation spots like Florida or L.A, or even Hawaii. My redheaded roommate even compares it to South Africa!! I used to hike these trails and stuff stare forever. Nothing more majestic than that feeling. Do yourself a favor. Get yourself to Mill Valley and Sausalito. Pronto. I'll meet you there. Man, do I have wanderlust... (BTW That's not me in the bottom photo).

Counterproductive? ... I think not

I did one very healthy thing today and one pretty unhealthy, but well worth it, thing.

Healthy for mind and body: Running along the Hudson.

This is quite possibly my favorite NY activity. If ever in a bad mood, or just craving nature and a brighter state of mind, I run straight for the river. The combination of adrenaline plus the view of the sunset on the water is truly magical, and I will never become tired of it. Never. I promise. Not the- I try to rediscover what I thought was so incredible about Times Square amidst the hoards of tourists and find myself jaded - trying, this love I know will last.

When I was living in San Fransisco (Mill Valley), there was a spot in the Headlands behind our house where I would go hiking, reach the summit, and want to linger for the rest of my life. At sunset, the mountains would reflect on the bay, the cars and all civilization seemed so far away and small, and it always made me feel like nothing could ever be that bad in life. It gave me hope and kept me peaceful amidst even the darkest times. I have struggled to find that kind of beauty in nature and sense of calm here, for it's so easy to get lost and consumed by the concrete world that is Manhattan, superficiality, and all of life's trivial concerns, that there are times when you feel that the city is cold and hard. There is beauty beyond the concrete, and I often linger.

Unhealthy for the body, but so delightful that it's always worth it: Transporting NY's best cheese fries home 116 blocks for a delightful late night snack.

If you are ever at the corner of 116th and Amsterdam and feeling indulgent, deserving, or drunk, walk into Hamilton Deli and do yourself a life-changing favor. Curly cheese fries. They're to any taste bud-wielding human being like what... curly cheese fries are to a drunk Columbia student. I happened to tutor a student a few blocks away today, so treated my roommate and myself to the nostalgic and delectable edible love affair. I am shocked that a single fry made it to Greenwich Village.

Hilarious Music Video

If pressed for time... at least do yourself a favor and start from 2 minutes 15 seconds.

Bill Murray

Two of my friends were standing in an elevator in a Manhattan office building. Jake looked at the guy next to them and realized that it was Bill Murray. He whispered to Aaron, "Hey, dude... that's totally Bill Murray." In the confined space of an elevator, this was obviously grossly audible by Bill Murray. And Jake sucks at whispering, too. All of a sudden, Bill Murray leans towards Jake, likes his finger, sticks it in Jake's ear, and whispers "NO ONE WILL EVER BELIEVE YOU"

I don't care if this story is true or not, I want and will always choose to believe that it's true. I believe that my entire life is a little brighter by believing that this actually happened. You need to hear my friend act it out, but really, can't you so see Bill Murray doing that? I love it. Love it.

I also think Wet Willies by their very nature are hysterical. Call me a six year old girl... or boy, for that matter. Last weekend my friends and I were out and playing the dare game- which always spices a normal bar night up. I was, of course, dared to give someone in the bar a Wet Willy. Even the thought of it was too much to handle. Seriously, what would you do if someone came up behind you in a public place and did this to you. After I got over my school girl giggles and nervousness, this guy started to dance with us, then wanted to get in our picture, so I did it. I just did it. And he didn't even notice. What a waste of a Wet Willy. I'll bet that that would never happen to Bill Murray...

I Do Not Live in the 1950's

Or in the Jane Austen era for that matter, though I have been told an odd amount of times that I was meant for it. I am a sucker for a good corset...


I am glad to be living and dating in 2009, yet people constantly try to encourage me to be this submissive and old fashioned girl. "Don't call boys, let them call you," "Don't text him... wait until he texts..." etc. I'm much more of the carpe diem variety, would always prefer to regret trying than not trying (when I was 9 I didn't try out that science museum static ball, and have always regretted not doing so), and am far too bad at lying to convincingly play games, yet somehow people often encourage me to do so. The one time in my life that I consciously played games, I got burned. BECAUSE I was coy and aloof, and the guy ultimately decided to focus his time and attention on the girl who voiced her feelings for him. Joke was very much so on me. And boy, did it hurt. Take that mom and all of you old fashioned girls.

So today, after the requisite drafting with best friend and confirmation of the perfectly casual, not at all contrived message, I sent a text. My mom would cringe, so please don't tell mama. And guess what? Within minutes, there was a favorable response and I have a delightful second date scheduled for this week. I got off easy, because he had texted the day after our first date anyway, thus giving me "license" (according to Nor) to initiate this time. Woot woot. Big deal. So nothing to stress over, yet somehow it is always made out to be a huge decision, a make or break move. Women have come so far, yet still, apparently, have a lot further to go.

Scene from Songwriting Session today:

Alex: (In Response to my Constant Gushing Over Recent Crush and Date): That's all very heartwarming and cute, but we need to make you sound cool

Lady Gaga, stop promoting Love Games!! Although you are much cooler than I am... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ocwZU89NPi4

Crash Text Nostalgia

As if the start of Fall and a new, but not for me, school year isn't enough to tug at my heart strings...



Classic example of my (and hopefully every girl's!) intense and all-consuming habit of over-analysis.

This is a 10 minute musical that two of my ridiculously talented friends, Shruti Kumar (music) and Laura Kleinbaum (lyrics), wrote in our senior year at Columbia. Hilarious and relevant subject matter, especially in the fact that I was playing myself, to a tee.

It's painful to watch in that it brings me right back to every rehearsal and performance (ie- college glory days), but also because my voice was shot at the time, doing three shows and a belty rendition of "No One" by Alicia Keys for our a cappella group Notes and Keys (ha) http://www.columbia.edu/cu/notesandkeys/. All the same, it's funny and brilliantly written, so take a look!

The Background & The Foreground

It takes a great deal to get this girl to Brooklyn. It also takes a great deal for me to "work" as an extra. Both of these things, however, I did today. It would take one incredible person to get me to do so, and my red headed roommate is just that girl. She's producing a short film by a director that we know from Columbia, and I am so proud of her that I had to support. I tried to treat the borough excursion as an adventure, the subway annoyances as time to be in good company (and play some killer road trip games) and the inevitable background lackluster as... inevitable.

Background on background: In my first "real life" year, my aversion to background is one of the many experiences that I chose to learn from first hand, as I am eternally the "learn from experience" type gal (euphism for anyone who ever has made a mistake). Free food, paid screen time, its basically getting paid to act right?! Mmmm... Not think again bright eyes. Even being in the presence of Alec Baldwin (and... yep... nearly peeing a little bit), 30 Rock's Ben and Jerry's make your own sundae station, and thrilling my grandma over 1/4 of my face gracing her television for a nanosecond wasn't quite enough incentive to make this mistake again... five times. Four was enough. There is, I found, a charming subculture of people who can make a living off of background work. I respect these individuals, have made some delightful friends in them, flirted with tall, dark, and handsome hopefuls, and learned that its just not my cup of craft services tea. It hurts too much to see 18 year olds in the roles I would like to play, wonder how they became successful, wonder how I haven't yet, almost regret Columbia (which I so consciously know is ridiculous) and work at any job until that has an undefined end time. The Brooklyn adventure made this first hand experiencer realize: Bklyn is charming, I still prefer Manhattan, I should still explore Prospect Park, it feels warm and fuzzy to do things for people you love, and, yep, still not into being an extra. Even though I got free beer.

I've always been a pen and paper type girl

I was recently told by a dear friend, my song-writing partner, that I should start a blog. I found this oddly flattering and that, actually, it makes a lot of sense for me. I'm an avid journal writer, trying to preserve every detail of my life, for I loathe looking back on even a week and forgetting where that time went. Call me nostalgic, call me obsessive, call me relatable, it's who I am. I feel that life is too incredible to waste, and it has often alarmed me realizing that a whole summer has passed in which I can only recount a few stand-out memories. I realized this when I was 16 years old, for I wanted to record every minute of what I decided would be the best year of my life. Laughable, I know now. The practice, however, has always stuck with me. It's been 7 years since then and I have accumulated a great deal of notebooks, most with aesthetically pleasing covers and filled with genuine and often humorous moments of "me." I have always found an inexpressible sense of delight in opening a fresh new notebook, whether for academic or journalistic purposes, and seeing that first empty page, ready to be filled with my inspiration, musings, and over analysis. Even occasionally just mundane details in order to satisfy my on-going nostalgia and obsessive need to be able to answer my constant wondering of where the summer, that day, that entire year went. So this is my fresh notebook page today. It seems delightfully appropriate that my blogging journey begins on September 1, 2009, as September used to mean the promising beginning of a school year. Now upon my sophomore "real life" year, I can start something new, yet familiar, promising, and thrilling right here. So thanks for tuning in :) I do not promise constant uplifting words or impeccable grammar, but I pledge to honor my cyber integrity with as much truth as I am comfortable to reveal, as much hope as I am capable of giving, and, as always, my over-analytical self.